Like my brother on his blog, www.jawapro.com, I didn't quite know how to handle this post. Usually my blog is full of the randomness and chaos of the uni student life, but today's post is much harder to write than anything else has been so far.
The reason is that my great grandmother died on Saturday.
Gran was 91 so many people have said that we were lucky to have her for so long, but in many ways I think I wasn't because the extra time with her allowed me to really grow close to her over the last two years. I used to visit Gran every week or two and sometimes stayed and talked for hours depending on how well she felt. There were many times lately that my visits were cut short because she didn't have to energy to sit and gossip anymore, but then in the last few weeks of her life she regained her energy and when I visited her on her birthday I didn't plan to stay long but Gran hardly let me get a word in edgways for almost two hours. I'm glad that this is how I now get to remember her forever. Even when we visited her in hospital a few hours before she left us she was all Gran in spirit just a little more tired.
I'm really going to miss Gran.
For selfish reasons I wish she could have stayed with us longer. While Gran was alive I knew that only 10 minutes drive away there was someone who always thought I was perfect even when I had managed to convince the rest of the world I wasn't, who was always proud of me even when I was only just passing at uni, who truely loved me unconditionally no matter how unlovable I felt at the time.
It feels like the world should stop turning for a while and life should halt to pay respect to the loss of one of the most wonderful women I have ever known, but it hasn't done. I feel like I am simply going through the motions of life, unable to feel anything other than the trenendous pain of losing Gran. I look forward to the day when the wonderful memories of her no longer hurt and I can get used to not being able to go and visit the small nursing home room filled with photos of her great grandchildren just sitting for hours just gossiping about what was going on in all of our lives and feeling safe and loved next to Gran.
My great grandmothers have all taught me wonderful lessons about life. Nanny Tat showed me how to live out her Christianity without being ashamed, Nanna Kerrison taught me the true meaning of a Lady, and Gran has showed me unconditional love. I hope that I will be able to keep the memories of all of these women alive for the rest of my life as I strive to be like them.
I love you, Gran- as I know you loved me. Thankyou for your unconditional love.
1 comment:
Thanks Em, that was lovelly.
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